


I Am Not Who I Used To Be

by Ashers



Category: E.R.
Genre: Angst, Dom/sub, First Time, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-03-31 23:05:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13985229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashers/pseuds/Ashers
Summary: John returns from rehab and is a shadow of his former self. Peter notices and makes an offer that changes their relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a post Mayday fic that has a different take on John Carter's past.

He’s out. The first cigarette feels good. The next one will be even better. He considers just getting a hotel instead of boarding his plane. There’s no one really waiting on him back in Chicago. But then he’d have to reschedule the flight and that’s an exhausting thought, so he just hails a cab. It was time to get out of the holding pattern his life had been in for the past three months. Getting on the plane is the best thing for him to do now. 

The airport is busy. It makes him feel uncomfortable and ansty. He hasn’t been around this many people in a while. Especially this many people that have a purpose, a life, things to do, people to see. The center was filled with lonely people with nothing to do but think about their mistakes. It was dreary and felt more like punishment than healing, but maybe that was the point. Even after going through the program, he’s not sure what he was meant to get out of it other than being sober. 

He has three hours to kill at the airport. He goes to the bar and orders a double scotch. It’s fine. He’s fine. Alcohol is not his issue. He never had a problem with drinking too much. That was his father’s problem, not his. They told them that even if narcotics was your issue, you should avoid alcohol, stay completely sober. He doesn’t agree. Regardless, he nurses the double scotch and doesn’t order a second. Alcohol was not what he needed then, and it’s not what he needs now. 

He tries to find a place to lie down, but it’s too packed. He finds a seat in a somewhat more isolated corner and leans his head against the wall. He won’t be able to fall asleep, but he can at least relax a little. He tries not to think about what is waiting for him back in Chicago. He isn’t sure if they will give him his job back. They had said they would if he went through the program, but he’s not so sure. He was awful to them all. He lied and threw around baseless accusations just to protect himself. It was the most petulant and spoiled act he’d ever pulled in his life, and that’s saying a lot coming from him. 

By the time he boards the plane, he’s managed to empty his mind of most thoughts. The flight is mostly uneventful, other than the brief altercation over him smoking in the bathroom. By the time they land, he feels drained. He needs to check into a hotel. His grandparents had made it clear that he isn’t welcome in their house. He had called them from the center at the urging of his therapist. It had not gone well. The drug abuse was the last straw as far as his grandfather was concerned. Gamma was silent on the matter. They didn’t cut off his trust, though, so he supposes that’s something. 

He didn’t get in touch with his parents. He figured his grandfather must have filled them in, but he hasn’t heard from them. They didn’t visit him in the hospital after the attack, so he’s not surprised that they didn’t make an appearance for this. So, it seems he’s no longer a member of the family. Which isn’t really that different than before, they all just aren’t putting up any pretenses any longer. He’s tries to tell himself that it’s better this way. He knows where he stands at least. 

He checks into a hotel and stays there for three days before he even ventures out of his room. He orders room service the entire time and keeps the do not disturb sign on the door. It’s probably not the healthiest thing for him to do, but he does it anyway. 

The morning of the fourth day, he looks in the newspaper for apartment vacancies and circles five he’d like to check out. He goes out and takes a look at them. He settles on one that's a good distance from the hospital. It’s a one bedroom, but that’s all he really needs. He pays a deposit on the spot and they tell him he can move in a week later. He spends the next week talking to his grandfather’s assistant to arrange for his things to be sent to his new apartment. He arranges for a meeting with Mark and Kerry for the following week. He gets out a bit more, but not much. He doesn’t really talk to anyone. Peter calls his cell phone a few times and leaves messages. He doesn’t call him back. The thought of facing his mentor makes his chest ache. 

He’s never felt so uncertain of himself in his entire life. He wonders if going back to work will alleviate that feeling. He doesn’t think so. He’s pretty sure that this is who he is now, a timid shadow of who he used to be. The thought of talking to anyone at work makes his pulse quicken and a wash of shame overcomes him. He’s sure everyone knows by now. Gossip spreads like a virus through the hospital. Every doctor, nurse, tech, janitor, all of them would know. He’d have to go back there and look them in the eyes with the knowledge that they know how far he fell. They would be suspicious of him forever. Every time he administered a narcotic, they’d wonder if he was pocketing it for later. His colleagues wouldn’t look at him anymore and just see a rich kid playing doctor, which was bad enough, but now they’d just see a rich, privileged junkie. It would be a miracle if they let him near patients again. 

The night before his meeting with Mark and Kerry, he tosses and turns. He barely gets in three hours. He has nightmares. They are full of blood, and pain, Lucy’s panicked face looking at him for help he can’t give. 

\----

He sits in the waiting area. The chair is hard and uncomfortable. He can’t stop fidgeting. When he glances up he sees Peter, holding Reese on his hip. 

“Dr. Benton”, he says. 

“Carter, man, you’re back. You look good.”

“Yea, well, anything would be an improvement form the last time you saw me,” he says. “I have a meeting with Dr. Greene and Dr. Weaver.” He crosses his fingers and tries to put on a hopeful face. 

“You’ll be fine Carter,” Peter says. “Hey, Carla is picking Reese up from daycare this evening and has him for the rest of the week. Why don’t we get dinner tonight.”  
John hesitates. He hasn’t had any substantial interaction with another person that wasn’t a therapist or a drug addict in over three months. He’s not sure he knows how to have a normal conversation any more. 

“Sure”, he says, before he can chicken out. “Sounds good.”

“Great, how about you meet me in the OR lobby around 8pm.”

“How about we just meet at the restaurant? Antonio’s? 8:30pm? My treat.” John says. He can’t stomach the idea of running into someone he knows in the OR lobby. 

“Okay, see you then,” Peter smiles and walks out the room. 

John watches him walk away and immediately feels panic overtake him. He breathes steadily in and out, trying to calm himself. He needs to be able to function like a normal person again. 

“Carter.”

John looks up and Kerry is standing there, leaning against her cane with a soft look on her face. It hits him in that moment that she acts more like a mother towards him than his actual mother ever did. It makes him want to crawl into a hole and hide. 

“Hi Kerry,” he says as he stands up and sticks out his hand to shakes hers. She grasps his hand in more of a hold than a shake and keeps his gaze. 

“Mark and I are ready for you in the conference room.” She motions for him to proceed her and they walk down the hallway to the conference room. 

When he enters the conference room, Mark is standing up. He nods at John and shuts the door after they are all in the room. 

“Good to see you Carter,” he says. He motions for John to sit across the table as he and Kerry take their seats. 

“John, we have a few stipulations that you need to agree to if you would like to come back to work,” Kerry says. He’s sure the use of his first name is meant to soften the conversation, but he finds it jarring and it settles over him too much like pity. 

He grabs the paper Kerry hands over to him and starts to read it. It’s nothing he didn’t expect. Random drug tests, naltrexone, mandatory NA meetings, counseling, all things he had anticipated. 

He signs it without commenting and hands it back.  
They ask him to take the naltrexone in front of them and he does it, trying to keep the red of shame from spreading across his face. 

“Anything else?” he asks. His shifts in discomfort. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning and the pills feel like stones in him empty stomach. 

“That’s all,” Mark says. “You can start up next week. Half-shifts, no trauma. Kerry or I will let you know when it’s okay to take on more.”

“Okay,” he says. He had decided before the meeting that he was going to do exactly what they wanted, no complaints. He was going to follow orders for a change. 

They all stand up and file out of the room quietly, awkwardly. 

“See you Tuesday,” Kerry says softly. 

He nods and walks away. 

\----

He goes back to his apartment after the meeting. He changes into sweats and falls onto the couch. He turns on the TV and drifts to sleep. 

He wakes up five hours later, the afternoon sun shining in his eyes. He feels groggy and stiff from sleeping on the couch. His back throbs in a familiar cadance. He gets up and makes coffee. He makes some toast and manages to eat a whole slice. He stands at his kitchen counter, sipping coffee and wondering what he should do now. He has an NA meeting at six. It’s his first. He picked one that’s in his neighborhood, which isn’t near the hospital. He figures it will be filled with people like himself, privileged, young, professional junkies who were forced to the meetings by family, bosses, or spouses. He could have gone to an AA meeting, which there are more of, but he couldn’t stomach the thought of listening to a bunch of drunks talk about how they didn’t mean to push their wife down the stairs, that they couldn’t help it, they’re an alcoholic. He doesn’t need to stack his own childhood trauma on top everything else he has to deal with right now. 

He spends the afternoon trying to watch TV, trying to read a book, and then finally just falling asleep again. He gets up an hour before his meeting, showers, dresses, and stares at himself in the mirror until he can’t and has to look away. 

\----

The meeting is four blocks from his apartment at a country club of all places. He had to become a member to get into the meeting. It wasn’t difficult to do. His Gamma pulled some strings to get him in. She’s at least still helping him via his grandfather’s assistant and money. He doubts his grandfather knows what she’s doing. It’s the only connection he has left with his family, so he’s accepting it, even though it makes him feel spoiled. The meeting will be filled with lawyers, investment bankers, doctors, he’ll probably run into some friends of the family. As he walks to the meeting, he keeps his head down and his thoughts purposefully blank. 

When he walks into the room, it’s already mostly full and there are only a few people whispering quietly with each other. He finds a seat and glances around. He doesn’t recognize anyone. It’s a relief. The meeting is pretty uneventful. They make him stand up and announce himself as a new member. He gives a brief overview of his sad story and sits down. 

When the meeting ends, he stands to leave and a woman steps into his path. She looks about his age, blonde hair, slim, and dressed like she’s looking for compliments. A year ago, she would have been just his type. 

“Hi, John was it?,” she says. 

“Yea,” he smiles, not offering anything further. 

“I’m Mindy. So,” she says, obviously hoping he would have had more to add. “You want to grab a bite to eat. These things always leave me hungry.”

She stands there waiting for his response, obviously expecting him to jump on the opportunity. 

“Sorry, I have plans,” he says. 

She smirks. “Maybe next time then.”

“Yea, maybe,” he says. She walks away, glancing back over her shoulder as she leaves the room. 

He stands there and stares at the empty space she left. He realizes that he hasn’t even thought of anyone in a romantic way, or even a purely sexual way, in a very long time. He can’t remember the last time he looked at a woman and felt attraction. He thinks the last time might have been Lucy, and that makes his heart ache. He supposes that one day he’ll want that again, but he doesn’t feel an urge at all. In fact, the thought of letting someone in like that, it makes him break out in a cold sweat. 

He leaves the room and walks back to his apartment. He has about an hour before he has to meet Peter. He decides to change, feeling for some reason that he needs to look a bit more impressive for dinner. 

\----

He gets to the restaurant early, so he sits at the table himself. He orders an iced tea. He’d rather a beer, but he can imagine the look Peter would give him, so he figures it’s not worth it. It’s 8:50 by the time Peter arrives and John has convinced himself in the half hour he sat there that Peter was standing him up, forgot about the plans, got called into a trauma, or was in an accident and is now dead. He’s overwhelmed with relief when Peter sits down. 

“Sorry man, surgery ran over,” he says.

“That’s okay,” John says. Smiling at Peter across the table, he feels his chest relax for the first time in a long time. As much as Peter has always intimidated him, he knows what to expect from him. Peter’s never lied to him, never coddled him, or praised him when it wasn’t warranted. He feels like that’s exactly what he needs right now, so he’s grateful to be able to spend time with him. 

“So, how did your meeting go with Weaver?” Peter asks. 

“It went fine. As well as could be expected. I have to follow their rules for a while, but nothing I didn’t anticipate.”

“Good, I’m glad. I knew it would work out.”

“I wasn’t so sure, but it seems to be okay.”

“How are you doing?” Peter asks, he tone softening, indicating that he is now asking about John the person and not Carter, the doctor. 

“I’m okay,” John says. He’s looking down at the table, fiddling with the napkin in front of him. “I’m grateful for what you all did, making me go into the program. I wouldn’t have done that on my own and I’m not sure what would have happened if the issued wasn’t forced. That scares me sometimes, that I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t pushed me to get into that van.”

John sighs and looks up at Peter. “Thank you....thank you for what you did for me. I know I’ve let you down in the past. And...I know...I mean, I let everyone down with this. When I saw you standing in that exam room, though...I never wanted you to know how far gone I was. You were the absolute last person I wanted to find out. But...you were the only person that could have convinced me to get in that van. So, thanks…” He finishes his speech. His voice trailing off and his eyes falling to the table again. He could feel his cheeks starting to burn, a mix of shame and embarrassment filling him up. 

“Carter,” Peter says. “You’re welcome.” 

John looks up and sees Peter looking at him with soft eyes and he’s glad he got that out of the way.

“Anyway,” John says, “I’m sober now, which is the first step, or so they tell me. The rest of it, they say it will take time. I went to my first NA meeting tonight and I have a psychologist I’m seeing, for the addiction and for PTSD. I’ve only been to two sessions since I’ve been back in Chicago, but it seems to be going okay.”

He shrugs, unsure how to continue. “I don’t feel like the same person I used to be, but they tell me that’s normal, that it’s okay to feel a certain dissociation from my old life.”

Peter is quiet and John starts to feel uncomfortable. He’s spent too much time around counselors and now that’s the only type of conversion he knows how to have. 

“Sorry,” he says. “Let’s talk about something else. You still seeing Cleo?” he asks, hoping Peter will allow the change of subject. 

Peter sighs. “No, we broke up a few months ago. It wasn’t working out. We weren’t right for each other. We were both too...I dunno...I guess we both wanted to be in charge of the relationship and spent most of our conversations telling the other one what to do. Then we’d both just do whatever we wanted. We yelled at each other a lot,” he says, smiling over at John.

“You mean to tell me that you couldn’t handle someone not following your orders? I’m shocked,” John says. 

“I know... you think I’d be used to it after having you as a student,” Peter says, smirking at John. 

“Hey, that’s not fair. I sometimes did what you told me. When it was what I was going to do anyway,” John says with a smile. 

The waiter comes to take their order and they agree on an appetizer and order their entrees. After the waiter leaves, they sit in silence for a moment. 

“When do you start back at work?” Peter asks. 

“Tuesday, half shift,” John says. “They’re starting me off slow.”

“That’s good. I’m on Tuesday, find me for lunch.”

“Sure, yea, that would be nice.”

“I know you report to Weaver and Greene, but you know, if you need something or need to talk to someone at work, come see me.” Peter says. 

“Yea, thanks, I’ll probably take you up on that,” John says. 

The conversation turns to a case that Peter had worked on recently. He talks about it with enthusiasm, his hands moving quickly and his voice rising as he gets further into the story. John watches and listens, enjoying just being around someone that isn’t at a low point in their life. It’s refreshing. 

Their food comes and they share what they ordered, both enjoying the meal. It’s the most that John has eaten in three days and he feels full and sleepy by the time the meal is over. The waiter brings the check and John grabs it before Peter even has a chance. Peter grumbles at him, but John waves him away and puts his card with the ticket. 

They walk out of the restaurant and the night air is cool, the city is quiet and still for a change. 

“Thanks,” John says, “That was nice, I appreciate it.”

“It was good to see you,” Peter says. 

John nods. They stand facing each other, only a few feet between them. John doesn’t want to leave, to go back to his empty apartment, but can’t come up with an excuse to keep Peter with him. 

“Well,” John says, “Have a good night. I’ll see you on Tuesday…” John trails off, feeling a bit uncomfortable. 

“Yea, man, come find me on Tuesday.” Peter says. John leans in and they hug for a brief moment. Peter pats him on the back and lets go first and they walk off in separate directions.


	2. Chapter 2

John stays in the ambulance bay, trying to convince himself to just go in. He spent the past week varying between anxiety and depression. It was exhausting. He hasn’t even walked in the door and he already feels the weight of it pressing him down. He takes a deep breath and walks in. 

It seems pretty slow when he enters. He goes into the lounge and heads to his locker. He opens it up and is putting on his lab coat when Kerry walks in the lounge. 

“John, good morning,” she says. “You ready to get started?” she asks. 

“Yea, I’m ready,” he says, closing his locker and turning to face her. 

“Okay, I’ll help get you back up to speed,” she says, leading him out of the lounge. 

\----  
The morning is pretty boring. Mostly complaints of UTIs and head colds. He can’t do much of anything, so he has to find another doctor every time he needs to use an instrument or prescribe. It makes him feel awkward and unsure, with both his colleagues and the patients. 

Around 1pm, he takes the elevator up to the OR and walks to Peter’s office. He’s got a secretary now, which makes John smile. The secretary tells him to go right in and John enters Peter’s office to find him sitting behind his cluttered desk, muttering at his computer. 

“Hey, you still want to get lunch,” John asks. 

Peter looks up and stares at him, seeming to be a bit disgruntled at the interruption. His face softens when he sees John, though. He sighs and rubs his eyes. 

“Yea, man, sorry I got swamped with paperwork,” he waves at the expanse of paper on his desk as he checks his watch. “You mind if I have Karen order us something in. I need to keep working.”

“Sure,” John says. He sits in a chair across from Peter. He feels hesitant all of sudden. The feeling he had from their dinner the other night has drifted away and he feels a bit pathetic and needy sitting across from Peter. This man who worked and fought for everything he earned that got him into the office they are sitting in now. And John is sitting there hoping to have lunch with him because he had to walk into Curtain Area 3 earlier this morning and it left him wondering if he still had that bottle of Vicodin tucked into his gym bag he hadn’t yet unpacked. 

Peter calls Karen on the intercom and orders them lunch. He doesn’t ask John what he wants and John doesn’t offer. He isn’t going to eat it anyway. 

John sits there while Peter works. Peter occasionally asks him questions to get his thoughts on a schedule or budget item. John offers his opinion, but doesn’t go into detail, which seems to suit Peter fine. Their lunch comes and Peter eats it with one hand while he types with the other. John picks at his sandwich, only managing to swallow a few bites before he gives up and moves the container to the side. 

He stands up, it’s probably time for him to end this. “So, I’m gonna go back to work,” he says. 

“Sure Carter, stop by if you need anything, okay.” he says, finally looking up and giving John a slight smile. 

John smiles, nods and leaves the room. As he walks back to the elevator, he knows that he won’t be seeking Peter out again. He really should know better by now. He’s done this countless times. He seeks out Peter’s attention and clings to the scraps that he gets, hoping it will lead to more. It never does. Peter has always been a good mentor and a reliable friend, but he’s equally dismissive when he feels that he’s done his part. John’s not sure why he keeps expecting more. He’s not even sure what he thinks more would be, a closer friendship, something else, he’s not sure. 

When he was Peter’s student he had a bad case of hero worship, which morphed into a bit of a crush. It wasn’t the first time he had fantasized about a man, but it was the first time that the same man made it on a repeat rotation in his mind. He hadn’t had those thoughts since he left surgery, but for some reason it comes back him now. At the time he dismissed it as just a passing thing, nothing to dwell on. Now he wonders if it had meant more. Because that lunch with Peter had felt more like rejection than any of his break ups with any woman had ever felt. 

\----

The next few months go by slowly. He gradually works up to being allowed back on trauma. He still can’t prescribe or administer any narcotics, but he figures that will take a lot of time. He tries not to insert himself where he isn’t needed. He does what Kerry and Mark ask. If he is told to back off during a trauma, he does it without question. 

The first time he loses a patient after being back, he feels like he should have pushed harder, that he would have last year. But now, he doubts his decisions. He hesitates in trauma. He knows that the other residents have noticed. He knows that it will probably eventually reflect poorly on his ability to lead. He still can’t manage to push like he used to. 

It comes to a head with a kid. There was a car accident, the kid was pinned in the backseat and John is working on him with Mark. The mother is standing outside the trauma room, barely holding back hysteria while a nurse tries to get her to wait in chairs. 

John wants to try to a procedure he hasn’t done since he was an intern. Mark tells him no and yells for a surgeon. John starts to get the instruments together and Mark yells for him to back down and wait for Peter. John hesitates and then backs off. Peter makes it into the trauma room two minutes later, but by then then kid had bleed out. They call time of death after 25 more minutes of shocking. 

Mark leaves to notify the mother, while Peter and John take off their gloves and gowns. Peter grabs on to John and pulls him into the empty suture room next door. 

“What was that man,” he says, he voice firm and obviously displeased.

John stares at him, not really sure what he was referring to. “What do you mean?” he asks. 

“You were set up. You could have had that kid fixed before I got down. You did three of those procedures as an intern.”

“Mark told me to wait for you.”

“Since when do you listen to anyone? You never back down. You push until you get what your patient needs. It’s why you left surgery. Now I see you letting a kid die because you don’t want to stand up to an attending.”

John hangs his head. He wonders how Peter knows just how to make him feel even more worthless than he already does. 

“Yea...I...um, I know,” he stammers. 

“Look, Carter. I know you’re going through a lot. But if you can’t stand up for your patients, you have no business in the ER.”

John bristles. “Look, you’re not my superior, so don’t go around telling me how to behave. I followed orders given to me by my direct supervisor. Who, by the way, has graciously allowed me to continue seeing patients after I stole and injected narcotics while on duty. So forgive me if I’m trying to follow the rules for once.” He’s out of breath when he finishes, feeling a mixture of anger, shame, and resentment. He’s not sure who he’s trying to convince, but his words feel hollow even to him. 

“Whatever, Cater. Just figure it out before you lose another patient.”

He walks out of the suture room, leaving John in the dark, wondering why he’s even bothering with any of it.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s only a week until Christmas and John is pretty sure this is the first time he’ll be spending Christmas completely alone. He doesn’t mind so much, it’s not like it’s different from any other day in his life. He put his name down to work Christmas, but Kerry said she doesn’t need him and tells him to enjoy the holiday. She seems to have a much more optimistic view of his life that the reality. 

He hasn’t spoken to Peter much since the incident with the kid. They speak about patients when Peter comes down to consult. They occasionally have lunch, but John keeps it very light. When Peter asks how he’s doing, he just says fine and says he’s getting better. It’s not untrue. He goes to therapy, goes to meetings, he hasn’t used. But, he’s depressed. He knows that. His therapist knows and has slowly been bringing up the topic of antidepressants, which he refuses to even consider. He’s lost weight. His clothes hang on him. He never goes out. Every once in a while the nurses will convince him to go to Doc Magoo’s after work, but that’s not very often. 

He hasn’t found his stride at work. He’s a good doctor, still very competent, especially compared to Malucci. But he’s still hesitating. Still following Kerry and Mark’s lead, not taking any chances and backing down when told to. Every time Peter sees him do it he gives John a stern look that makes him feel like a misbehaving child. 

He’s finishing up some charts on the the table in the lounge when Peter walks in. He sees John and walks over. 

“Hey, man, I was looking for you.” he says, “I was wondering if you had any plans for Christmas. I heard Weaver say you were off”

“No,” John says, “Why?”

“Carla’s got Reese on Christmas day and I just wanted to see if maybe you wanted to get together.” 

“For Christmas?” John asks, incredulous. 

“Yea,” Peter continues, “You mentioned before that you’re not really on good terms with your family. I just thought you might not want to spend the day alone.”

“Don’t you want to spend the day with Jackie?” John asks. 

Peter shakes his head. “They’re doing this family vacation thing this year, going out of town for a week. I didn’t want to take the time off.”

John nods and tries to think of any reason to turn down the offer. He’s not even sure why he’s getting the offer. He thought Peter was pissed at him. 

“Uh...sure…” he finds himself saying. 

“Okay, great. Come by my place any time on Christmas day. I’ll plan on serving dinner around six, but you can come by early and hang out. Here’s the address,” he scribbles an address on a scrap of paper and hands it over to John.

“Okay...thanks,” John says, still reeling a bit from the conversation. 

“See ya later, man,” Peter says and then walks out of the lounge. 

\----

John takes a cab to Peter’s place. The cab pulls up to an apartment building in a decent neighborhood. Nothing too fancy, but nice. He rings to let Peter know he’s there and Peter buzzes him up. 

He takes the stairs and finds the apartment, hesitating for a second before he knocks. 

Peter opens the door and smiles. “John, hey man”, he says, ushering him in the door. 

He’s wearing a green cotton t-shirt and jeans. He has no shoes on and John finds himself staring down at his bare feet. He thinks he may have overdressed in his slacks and dress shirt. 

“Hey,” John says, handing Peter a pie he had picked up at the bakery. He figured booze wouldn’t be a good thing to bring since Peter doesn’t drink and John isn’t suppose to. 

“Thanks,” Peter says, taking the pie and bringing it into the kitchen. “Make yourself at home.”

John takes off his coat and hangs it on the back of a chair. He watches as Peter stirs in some pots on the stove and checks something in the oven. 

“So…” John says. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“No problem, figured we might as well since we both had nowhere else to go.”

John nods and tries to swallow down what he wants to say, but isn’t successful. 

“Honestly, I thought you were pissed at me. We haven’t exactly been on friendly terms lately. This seems kind of out of the blue.”

Peter stops what he’s doing and looks over at John. He sighs and walks over to him. “Look, I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re a better doctor than what you’ve been practicing lately. I’ve seen you at your best and you’re amazing to watch, it’s hard to see you smother that.”

“I know,” John says. He looks Peter in the eyes. “I’m just trying to do what I’m told in order to keep my job. I can’t lose this job. I don’t want to fuck this up again.”

“You never struck me as much of a follower Carter.”

“Yea, well maybe I need to learn to follow. Maybe that’s what got me into this mess to begin with. Maybe I need to take orders for a change. I wasn’t doing such a great job making my own decisions, was I? My own decisions got me a drug habit and almost got me fired, so I can’t say I really trust my own judgement anymore.”

Peter gives him a look that he can’t quite interpret and then goes back into the kitchen to continue his meal preparation. 

John sits down at the table and looks around. He’s not sure what he expected form Peter’s apartment, but it’s nice. The furniture and decorations are simple. He’s got only lamps on, so the room is dimly lit. There’s jazz coming from a stereo in the living room. It’s comfortable. John’s still not quite sure what he’s doing in Peter’s home. He feels like he’s intruding even though he was invited. 

Peter comes over and places a glass of iced tea in front of him. 

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Peter says.

John nods. “Great,” he responds tersely, taking sip of his tea and fidgeting in his sit under Peter’s gaze. 

“Look, man, I didn’t invite you here to get in an argument with you,” Peter says. 

“Well, why did you invite me then?” John asks. 

“I thought we could sit together and have a meal without fighting, but maybe I was wrong.”

“Yea, well, I’m not the one throwing around judgements,” John says. 

“Carter, stop being such a child,” Peter says. 

“Maybe I should just go. This isn’t going to work, whatever it is you’re trying to do. Us trying to be friends or whatever. You’ve never approved of anything I do. I don’t know why I thought you’d start now.”

John stands up and grabs his coat.

“Carter, man, stop,” Peter says. He grabs John by the shoulders and pushes him back to the chair. “Just sit back down.”

“No,” John says, pushing back. 

“What is wrong with you? Why do you always have to make everything so difficult?”

“Why do you always have to tell me how to behave?” John asks. 

Peter leans into John’s space and holds onto his arms tightly. “Because someone needs to. Because you’d be dead right now if we hadn’t intervened, so stop being an idiot and sit down John,” Peter says quietly and sternly, his tone dropping into a rumble. 

John is stopped short by the use of his name and the intimacy of the situation. Peter is standing so close that John would just have to lean in a bit and their lips would brush together. That thought makes him jerk out of Peter’s grasp. Peter lets him go and allows him to take a step back. 

“Okay,” John asys, feeling defeated. He puts his jacket back on the chair and sits back down. 

Peter goes back to the kitchen and starts pulling things out the oven. He makes plates for both of them and brings them to the table. He puts John’s plate in front of him then sits down with his own plate. 

“Just eat Carter,” he says. 

John picks up his fork and starts eating. They eat in silence. John has a hard time swallowing his food down, he feels kind of queasy and has lost his appetite. 

Peter finishes his plate and sits back. He stares at John. 

“Finish it all,” Peter says. 

“What?”

“Clean your plate. You’ve lost too much weight.”

Carter stares at him and tries to process Dr. Peter Benton telling him to clean his plate. 

“You’ll have a slice of pie when you’re done,” Peter adds. 

John looks down at his plate and then back up at Peter. He can tell that Peter isn’t joking. He weighs his options and then starts eating. He swallows it all, not enjoying it, but doing it anyway. He puts his fork down on his plate when he’s done. 

“Good,” Peter says. He takes the empty plates back to the kitchen and starts slicing the pie. 

He places a plate with a slice of pie in front of carter and sets a cup next to it. 

John picks up the cup and looks in. “What this?”

“Hot cider.”

John raises his eyebrows. 

“It’s non-alcoholic, Carter, just drink it.”

John smiles a bit and takes a sip. It’s good, sweet and spicy. 

“It’s good,” he says, setting it down and starting on the pie. 

They finish eating and Peter takes their plates and sets them on the kitchen counter. He goes back to the table and picks up his cup. 

“Come sit in the living room. We’ll finish our cider there,” he says, not waiting on a response and walking in the direction of the living room. 

John picks up his cup and follows. They sit on the couch next to each other, close but not touching. 

“Thanks for dinner,” John says. 

“No problem.”

John stares into his cup. “Can I ask you something?” he asks. 

“Sure, Carter”

“What do you think I was doing before the intervention?”

“What do you mean?” Peter asks, looking at him quizzically. 

John sighs. He has no idea why he’s starting this conversation. It’s just that it’s been bothering him. He never lied to them, but he let them all believe that his misuse of prescribed pills and the one incident with the fentanyl was all there was to it. They never asked and he didn’t offer. For some reason he needs Peter to understand how bad it got. He can’t decide if it’s because he wants to push him away or pull him further in. 

“I mean, the drug use. What do you think I was doing?”

Peter gives him a funny look. “Well, you admitted to misusing the prescribed medication. And we all found out about the fentanyl.” Peter hesitates, looking at John in a searching way as if he is trying to read his thoughts. “Was there more to it than that?

John nods. He breaks Peter’s gaze and stares down at the floor. 

“At first it was just the prescribed pills from my doctor. Then I ran out. I lifted meds a few times from the hospital. Demerol, morphine, fentanyl, anything I could get without raising too much suspicion. I figured someone would notice at some point. It’s not like narcotics can go missing for any period of time without someone noticing. So, I got in touch with the family doctor. My mom’s. He’s...well, you can say he’s on the payroll. He’s been setting my mom up with a steady supply of Xanax for over a decade. I never used him, for obvious reasons, the guy is a dirty doctor, should have his license revoked. But, he has a lot of rich and famous clients, so that’s not likely. Anyway, I got in touch with him and...well…he became my supplier. It’s pretty scary how easy it was actually. How easy it could still be really. I could call him right now and he’d send someone over. It’s really just a very well organized drug dealing operation that caters to the privileged.” 

John stops his story. He glances to the side to see how Peter is reacting. Peter’s face is blank, unreadable. John stares back down at the floor. 

“You haven’t been in contact with him since you got back, have you?” Peter asks. 

“What?” John says, not quite following. 

“The doctor.”

“Oh, no, of course not,” John replies quickly. 

“Good.”

“Is that all you have to say about it?” Carter asks. 

“What else should I say?”

Carter nods absently and puts his empty cup on the coffee table. He’s not sure what he expected. In the back of his mind, he knows he’s just trying to get a rise out of Peter. 

“What would you do if I got in contact the doctor?”

“Carter, you fall back into that, man, that’s your problem. I saved you once, I’m not doing it again. That’s not what this is about.”

“Well, what is it about then? Because I don’t understand what we’re doing here and you’re not being real clear on that point. You just keep telling me what to do and then going back to being the usual stoic asshole that you’ve always been. I don’t even know why I try with you.”

“Jesus, Carter, do you even hear yourself when you talk? Stop being such a brat.”

“Or what?!” Carter asks, challengingly. 

Peter gives him an exasperated look and then sighs. 

“Or nothing, Carter. Maybe you should just go.”

“What? No.”

“Carter, just leave, man. This isn’t gonna work.”

“No.” John says. “I don’t even know what we’re talking about. Are you saying we can’t even be friends? You can’t be so hot and cold with me all the time. I think after everything I deserve more than that from you.”

“I don’t owe you anything, man.”

“You owe me an explanation,” John yells.

“Fine.”

Peter rubs his eyes and sighs. He falls back against the couch and looks over at John. He stares for a long moment, long enough to make John squirm a bit under the scrutiny. 

“Look, I’m going to tell you something and I need you to let me finish. Don’t talk until I tell you to. Got it?”

John nods, pressing his lips together. 

“Good. When I was in college I realized I had a certain type when it came to partners. Intelligent, independent, confident, but with a desire to please. I didn’t really do much about it at first. It wasn’t until I was dating this girl and she asked me to tie her up. We escalated things a bit after that, but eventually we broke up. I was kind of hooked, though. I started finding partners that were open to kink and power games. Some of them were men.”

Carter slowly leans back against the sofa as Peter speaks, feeling a mixture of shock and intrigue course through his veins. He has absolutely no idea why Peter is saying these things. 

“I fell into the scene. There were clubs I went to. I was pretty heavy into it for a while. Then I got into med school and didn’t have as much time for it. I haven’t had many partners since then.”

Carter sits there, trying to keep his mouth shut but having a hard time. It must show on his face because Peter sighs loudly. 

“What is it Carter” Peter says. “You can talk.”

“When you say partner, you mean…” John trails off and waves his hand in the air indicating that it’s Peter’s job to say the words. 

“A submissive.”

“Oh.” John says, his mouth hanging open. “That’s...uh, I’m not really sure...is..um...is there a reason you just told me this?” John clears his throat and desperately tries not to catch Peter’s eyes. He’s not naive, he knows what a submissive is, he’s just never thought about it in detail much. He’s never known anyone who was actually into that kind of thing. 

“I think that’s pretty obvious, Carter”

“Uh...it’s not. You’re going to have to spell it out for me.”

“Look, man, I thought I saw something in you, but maybe I was wrong. Just, sometimes this kind of thing helps people work out issues they’re having in other parts of their life.”

“You’re suggesting I take on this...whatever...this lifestyle as some kind of therapy?,” John asks.

“Well...yea. I mean, you’re meant to enjoy it as well,” Peter says, smiling slightly. 

“You think I’m submissive?,” John asks, his tone expressing serious doubt. 

“Look, it’s not just about being submissive, it’s about having a desire to please, a desire to prove yourself, your worth.”

“Oh, well,” John says, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’ve always brought that out in me.”

He looks over at Peter and stares at him for moment. “You’re serious about this,” John says. 

“Yea,” Peter replies. 

“And you’re thinking you and me? I mean, you’re not gonna take me to some club and like pawn me off to some big dude in leather or something?”

Peter laughs, “No, John, I have no intention of you going into this with anyone but me.”

John nods his head and takes a deep breath. “Can I think about it?” he asks. His head is spinning and he has absolutely no idea why he’s considering this. It’s ridiculous. The whole conversation is ridiculous. He feels like he’s dreaming. 

“Yes. It’s not something you rush into. Take some time, come to me if and when you’re ready.”

“Should I, you know, do some reading or something?”

Peter smiles and snorts, “This isn’t a research project Carter, just think about it and ask me questions when you think of them. If you want to do research, do it, but don’t get too deep, man, you’ll freak yourself out.”

“Yea, okay,” John says. 

“You okay to get home? You want me to call you a cab?”

“Yea, that would be good,” John says. 

Peter stands and walks to his phone. John stays seated and wonders what the hell he just got himself into.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been three days since Christmas and John hasn’t seen Peter in that time. Their shifts haven’t aligned and John’s incredibly grateful for that. His head has been filled with questions. He’s not really sure what he wants to ask first and he’s also a bit afraid of the answers. 

His shift is over and he’s putting his stuff in his locker when Peter walks in. He goes to the coffee pot and gives John a brief nod. 

John shuts his locker door and turns around. 

“So, you said I could ask you questions,” John says. 

Peter is pouring coffee into his cup. He turns and faces John and leans back against the counter. 

“Yea, ask anything you’d like,” Peter says. 

“You’ve slept with men,” John says. 

“Is that a question?”

“I mean…,” John shifts awkwardly, “You said you had. I guess...I mean, do you want to have sex with me?” John asks. He looks Peter in the eyes. He needs to know if Peter wants him. For some reason that matters more than anything. 

Peter slowly smirks. “Yea, John, I want to have sex with you,” he says simply. 

John nods and stands there for a moment. He’s a little stunned. He has no idea why Peter Benton would want to have sex with him. 

“Okay...I just...why?”

Just then the door to the lounge opens and Mark walks in. 

“MVA, five minutes out. Carter, you still on?”

“No, I’m headed out.”

“Okay, Peter, we need you,” Mark says as he hurries back out the lounge. 

Peter puts his coffee down and heads towards the door. As he’s walking out, he turns back to John. 

“I’m off in two hours. Come by my place at nine. We’ll talk”

He leaves the room without waiting for an answer. John stands there for a few seconds. 

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he says to himself. 

\-----

John knocks on Peter’s door at exactly 9pm. The door opens almost immediately. Peter gives him a warm smile and pulls him into the apartment. 

“Hey, I’m glad you showed.”

“You thought I wouldn’t?”

“You looked pretty freaked out, man.” Peter says, smiling. 

“Yea, well, I think I’m allowed to freak out a little.”

“Sure,” Peter says, taking John’s coat and hanging it over chair. “Let’s sit.” He gestures to the couch and they both sit. 

“You never answered my question,” John says. 

Peter shifts closer to John and leans closer to him. “I’ve wanted to fuck you since you were my student.” Peter says, bluntly. “But I want you because you’re kind and sensitive. You care deeply, sometimes to a fault. You’re driven. You’d do anything for your patients, for your family, your friends. You give yourself over so easily to people, to causes. You have such a strong desire to impress people. On some that comes off as ego, but on you it’s just endearing. And, frankly, you’re attractive and I think you’d make a beautiful sub”. 

John blushes and bites his lip, embarrassed and flattered at the same time. 

“I think you’re overestimating me” 

“For someone that can be so cocky at work, you don’t seem to think much of yourself.”

“I don’t know,” John says, “You just say things like that like I’m something special. I don’t see myself that way. I’ve never been special to anyone.”

“You are to me, John.”

John nods, feeling tears in his eyes and trying to keep them at bay. 

“I’ve never been with another guy.” 

“I kind of figured that,” Peter says. 

“I mean, I have no idea what I’m doing. I probably won’t be any good at this. You obviously have all this crazy, kinky experience and I’ve only had what most people would probably define as pretty vanilla sex with women. So this is pretty far from normal for me. How can you even know that this will be any good. Or that I’ll be any good. I could be terrible. You’d tell me if I was awful, right?” John ends his ramble with a wide eyed look at Peter. 

Peter laughs, “Yea, John, I’d tell you if you were awful, but I’m not worried.”

“Hm, well, I think that you must have hit your head or something, telling me that you want to tie me up and have sex with me is pretty much the absolute last thing I ever expected to hear from you.”

“Yea, well, until now I never thought you’d be receptive to it.”

“What changed your mind,” John asks. 

“You’ve changed. And I don’t just mean the drugs and the rehab. I mean you’re quieter, more withdrawn. You’re less sure of yourself. I know I was hard on you for that. But, watching you, I realized that maybe you needed someone to help you. And maybe you needed a firm hand to guide you. You seem so lost. I think I can help you. But also, I think we’d both enjoy it.”

John sighs. “You’re not just doing this to heal me or something right? I don’t need you doing this out of some kind of therapy, or worse, pity. I mean, I think you’re right that I’m not the same and that I’m only considering this now because of how I’ve changed. But, I need to know that you want this because you want me, not just because you want to fix me.”

“I’m not trying to fix you, John. I’m trying to help you see what I see. Yea, I think this might help you. But more than that, I just want you, and I want to see you happy again.”

“And you think me taking orders from you will make me happy?” John asks, disbelief in his tone. 

“I think it will ground you. And I think I can help you become whoever it is you need to be now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yea, let’s just do this,” John says quickly. 

“Carter, do you even have any idea what you’re agreeing to?”

John gives him a sheepish look and shakes his head. 

“Why don’t we start with something simple first. Can I kiss you?”

John’s breath skips and he nods. 

“Use your words Carter.”

“Yes, yes, you can kiss me.”

Peter leans closer and places his hand on John’s cheek. He tilts his head and brushes his lips against John’s softly, easing him into the kiss slowly. John gasps and Peter presses his lips harder against John’s, working his lips and easing them open. John opens willingly, Peter’s tongue slipping in and exploring. 

John lifts his hand and places it on Peter’s shoulder. He feels like he’s burning up. His cock is stiffening in his pants and he opens his lips wider, trying to get as much of Peter as he can. 

Peter slows down the kiss and pulls away. John immediately misses the contact. He looks at Peter and blushes, placing his arms over his lap in a hope to hide his predicament. 

“John,” Peter says, “Don’t do that.” He gently grabs John’s hands and places them palms down on the couch cushions. “I want to see what I do to you.”

John moans softly and his cheeks turn even redder. 

“Tell me what you want.”

“What?” John asks. 

“Right now, what do you want?”

“I don’t know, I guess…will you touch me?” John asks in whisper, feeling incredibly shy and awkward. 

“Okay. We’re going to talk about this more later. But for now, if you want to stop, just say ‘red’. You say that and we’ll stop immediately and completely. If we’re going too fast and you need a break, say ‘yellow’. We’ll slow down until you're ready to continue. Got it?”

John nods. 

“Use your words John,” Peter admonishes. 

“I got it.”

“Good. Unbutton your pants and take out your cock. I want to see you,” Peter states. 

John hesitates. Now that he’s getting an order, he’s not sure he can follow it. It all feels so unreal and he feels ridiculous. 

“John, take a breath,” Peter orders. 

John sucks in a breath, just realizing that he has stopped breathing. His heart is hammering in his chest. 

“John, look at me.”

John turns and stares into Peter’s eyes.

“You can do this. Now, open your pants and take out your cock. Now.” Peter’s voice drops deep and takes on a tone that John usually only hears in severe trauma situations.

It works. John immediately reaches for his pants, unbuttons and unzips. He slowly pulls out his cock and then puts his hands back on the couch, not sure what he’s supposed to do next. 

“Good, you’re doing so good John. Look at you. You look so beautiful with your dick out and hard for me.”

Peter reaches over and runs his finger along John’s shaft. John hisses in a breath. 

“The first rule you’ll learn is that you don’t cum unless I tell you that you can. Do you understand?”

Jonn nods and then remembers that Peter wants to hear him. “Yes,” he says softly. 

“Good.” Peter wraps his hand around John’s cock and start stroking him. “Now, I’m going to keep touching you and you’re going to let me hear how much you’re enjoying it. Peter keeps stroking him slowly and John moans loudly. 

“Fuck,” John says softly. 

“You like that, John?”

“Yea,” John breathes out. Peter continues to stroke him slowly. He’s starting to move his hips and can feel his balls tighten. It’s suddenly overwhelming. He wants to cum so bad it hurts. “Please,” his whispers. 

“What’s that? Do you want something.”

Peter tightens his grip and speeds up. 

John cries out loudly. “Please,” he says, louder this time. 

“Oh, come on baby, you can beg prettier than that.”

John jerks in Peter’s grip and bites his lip. “Please, Peter. Please let me come. Please, I want to so bad.”

“Call me ‘Sir’” Peter says, speeding up his strokes. 

John moans loudly. “Please, please sir, please let me come. Please sir.”

Peter leans in next to John’s ear and says, “Come, baby.”

John screams and immediately shoots into Peter’s hand. It feels like a bomb has gone off in his head and his whole body is tingling. His hips keep pumping into Peter’s hand until he’s spent. 

At some point he closed his eyes. He opens them and sees Peter has his hand out. 

“Lick it clean,” Peter says, holding his hand in front of John’s face. 

John doesn’t hesitant. He grabs Peter’s hand and slowly licks his come off until it’s gone .

Peter gently grabs John's cock and puts it back into his pants. John’s breath hitches at the touch, his dick sensitive. 

“You doing okay?” Peter asks. 

“Yea, yea, I’m good.” John says. “Do you want me to um…,” he gestures towards Peter’s crotch, which has a very noticeable bulge. 

“No, I’m okay,” Peter says, smiling. 

John stares at him. “You sure? This feels a little one sided.”

“Trust me, it’s not one sided. I enjoyed watching you.”

“Okay,” John says, he voice expressing doubt. 

“I’m going to make us a cup of tea. You stay here. Then we’re going to talk. Just talk. When we’re done, you’re going to take a cab home and get some rest. Got it?”

John nods. “Yes sir,” he says sarcastically, saluting Peter. 

Peter stands. “John, I know you try to deflect when you’re feeling uncomfortable. You can’t do that in this. I need your complete honesty and your trust. Also, things like that will get you punished.”

Peter walks out of the room and John stares at his back. 

“What do you mean punished?” 

Peter just keeps walking into the kitchen. John stays seated on the couch. He feels relaxed from his orgasm, but also keyed up. It’s a weird mixture that makes him crave a cigarette. He wonders what Peter would do if he went outside for a smoke. He can’t tell if his apartment has a balcony. He can’t see one from where he sits. He figures it’s probably not a good idea for him to get up since Peter told him to stay. 

He has no idea where this desire to do what Peter orders is coming from. He got comfortable following Peter’s lead as his student, but this is different. This is mixed up with a desire he doesn’t understand. He’s worried he won’t be any good at it. He already messed up. Peter has all this experience and John’s pretty sure that he’s going to be a disappointment. 

He’s worked himself into a bit of a state when Peter walks back in with two cups of tea. Peter places the cups on the coffee table and sits next to John. 

“So, you doing okay?,” Peter says. 

“I’m fine,” John says reflexively, picking up his cup and taking a sip. 

“Try that again,” Peter says. 

John sighs. “I guess I’m freaking out a bit. I feel a bit jittery, like a need a cigarette or a drink. I have no idea what I'm doing and I hate that. I feel like I'm going to disappoint you.”

“That's better. Always be straight with me John.”

Peter reaches out and holds John's hand. 

“You will never disappoint me unless you lie to me or hold something back. You have to trust me. If you trust me and trust yourself, I think we're going to have a good time”

“Now,” Peter says, “let's set the rules.”

“Rules?”

“Yea, I'm going to ask you some questions to find out what you’re okay with and what is a hard limit. There’s no way for this to be comprehensive, so that’s why you need to communicate. You need to always tell me if there is something you don’t want. I want you to start thinking about safewords. You’ll need one for when you want to slow things down and one for when you want things to stop completely. If you use your stop word, then we stop completely. Got it?”

“Can’t we just use the red and yellow like earlier?”

“I prefer for subs to pick their own words, that way they’re more personal to them. You don’t have to tell me now, think about it.”

“Okay,” John says. 

“Are you ready to answer some questions?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I need you to be completely honest with me, got it?”

“Yes.”

“Are you okay with receiving oral sex?”

John laughs, “Um, yea.”

“Good,” Peter smiles, “I figured I’d start with an easy one,” he jokes. 

“Are you okay with performing oral sex?”

“Yes,” John says, not hesitating. He’s definitely thought about getting on his knees for Peter. 

“Are you okay with spanking?”

John blushes. He never really thought about being spanked before, but the question makes his pulse quicken and he feels his dick twitch. 

“Yea...yea, I’d be good with that.”

“That’s good. Would you be okay with anal sex?”

“I’m assuming I’d be...you know, receiving?”

“Yes.”

John hesitates. He knows that this whole thing would end up there, but the reality of it makes him pause. He thinks he wants that, but it makes him a bit nervous.

“I want it, but you’re going to have to ease me into it I think,” John says. 

Peter smirks, “Trust me John, I’ll be very gentle.”

John smiles back. “Not too gentle, though, right?”

“We’ll work up to rough if that’s something you want.”

“Yea, I think I’ll want that,” John says. The directness of the conversation is weirdly making him feel more comfortable. 

“Would you be okay with being tied up?”

“Yes.”

“What about blindfolds?”

“Yes.”

“Would you be okay with exhibitionism?”

“What, you mean in front of other people? I don’t think I could do that.”

“No. Though that’s good to know. But I meant showing off for me. Touching yourself for me.”

“Oh,” John says, “Yea, I basically just did that, didn’t I?” 

“Yes, but I need to check. What about bloodplay? Needles, knives?

“No knives,” John says quickly. “Nothing that will scar.”

“Okay, good. That’s good John. You need to know your limits.”

“How do you feel about humiliation?”

John stares at Peter and tries to figure out what that’s supposed to mean. 

“What do you mean?”

“If I told you to put on a maid outfit and scrub my floors, would you do it?”

“I...um...no, no I don’t think that’s something I’d want.”

“Good, just so you know that’s not something I want either.”

John laughs. “That good to know.”

“Is there anything else that’s a hard limit for you?”

It’s on the tip of John’s tongue to say no, but he remembers that Peter expects honesty and trust, so he thinks about it. He doesn’t have much experience with this kind of thing, so he can’t even imagine the kinds of things that he would say no it. No animals, but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t need to say that. All the weird things he can think of, he’s pretty sure Peter wouldn’t be in to anyway. Then he thinks of something that he knows would destroy him. 

“Don’t ever ignore me. Don’t dismiss me. Don’t blow me off like I’m not important. I…” John stops, feeling his eyes start to tear up. He’s horrified that he’s going to cry, but he needs to finish this. “I realize that I’m pretty needy when it comes to any relationship. Friends, lovers, mentors, whatever, I want attention and I want praise. I know where that comes from. You now, sad rich kid ignored by his parents and raised by the nanny. I realize how cliche and pathetic that is. I’m aware. But, if we do this, I won’t be able to handle you treating me like you did sometimes as your student. Like I wasn’t worth your time. I get that was some kind of, I don’t know, some kind of teaching method. But...I just can’t...it would ruin me if you did that in this. Does that make sense?”

“Yea, John, yea, that makes sense. I promise I won’t ever do that to you when we’re together like this, but you have to promise me something too.”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t confuse me here with me at work. I’m not going to treat you differently at the hospital just because we’ve got this going on. You screw up there. You do something that pisses me off, I’m not gonna hold back, man. You understand that?”

John nods, he understands. “Yea, yea I get that.”

“Okay, good. You did really well. I’m so proud of you,” Peter says, leaning over and giving John a kiss on the forehead. “Now, I’m calling you a cab and you’re going home. I’m off on Friday, are you?”

“Yea.”

“Good. Come here at 6pm. Have your safewords ready. Okay?”

“Sure, yea,” John says, taking a deep breath and letting it out. 

“You’ll be just fine John, stop overthinking it,” Peter says.


	5. Chapter 5

He’s overthinking it. He knows that. It’s Thursday. John’s shift ended at 10pm and he’s sitting on his couch in his sweats. He doesn’t have another shift until Sunday. He’s becoming a bit panicked. He hasn’t come up with safewords. All the ones he’s thought of sound ridiculous. He’s having a bit of a sexual identity crisis. Is he bisexual? He must be given what he’s getting into with Peter. Does wanting this make him weak? Peter doesn’t seem to think so, but John wonders if maybe this will just make him lose himself even more. 

He bought a bottle of whiskey. He poured a glass and has been sipping it for about half an hour. He’s not looking to get drunk, but he needs to relax. What he really wants is demerol or vicodin or maybe morphine. He’s not picky. He’ll take any narcotic. He just needs something to take the edge of anxiety off. Also, his back is throbbing, which is just adding to his general sense of panic. 

He should call his sponsor. He’s an older man that’s been in the program for years. John hasn’t really spoken with him much outside of the meetings. But, he’s suppose to call him if he feels like he might use. If he calls him, though, he’ll have to explain what set him off and he obviously can’t do that. His sponsor doesn’t need to know that he’s getting into a kinky relationship with his former mentor. 

He downs his glass of whiskey and pours another. He has a therapy session tomorrow afternoon. He supposes he should talk about this in those sessions, but he’s afraid his therapist will have something to say about it. Something along the lines of trading one set of escapism for another. He realizes that plenty of people get into power play and it’s perfectly healthy. But, he’s pretty sure that in his current state it’s probably not the best choice he could be making. Peter seems to think it could help him and John does believe him. He knows that Peter would never start this if he thought it would be damaging in some way. But he gets that from the outside looking in, it would probably look pretty bad. So, it’s best he doesn’t mention it, to his sponsor or to his therapist. 

He should just go to sleep. He downs the second glass and heads to bed. He tosses and turns for two hours before he drifts into a restless sleep. 

\----

He arrives at Peter’s apartment early on Friday because he couldn’t stand sitting in his apartment any longer. Peter opens the door and ushers him inside. Instead of directing him to the couch, though, he grabs John’s hand and leads him to the hallway. They walk into a bedroom and John sees that there are restraints on the headboard. His pulse quickens. 

“You okay?” Peter asks. 

“Yea, I’m good,” John says. And he is. His body is thrumming with anticipation and all the anxiety that has been building slips out of him. 

“Did you think of safewords?”

“Yea,” John says, “Scarlet for the hard stop and saffron for slow down.”

Peter smiles. “Cute, I like those.”

He pulls John towards the bed and then gently guides him to sit down on the side of the bed. He kneels and starts unlacing John’s shoes, slipping one shoe off, then the other. Then he pulls off his socks and places them in his shoes. When he’s done, he stands up and looms over John. He leans into his space and places his hands on the bed on either side of John. 

“Here’s how it’s gonna go,” Peter says, so close that John can feel his breath against his face. “I’m going to tell you what we’re going to do. That won’t always happen, but I want you to know what to expect this first time. Okay?”

“Okay,” John whispers. Even though it hasn’t really started yet, John already feels completely owned. He’s never experienced being the center of someone’s focus like this. It’s overwhelming and thrilling at the same time. 

“Good. When I tell you to, you’re going to stand up. I’m going to undress you. Once all your clothes are off, you’re going to lie down on the bed. I’m going to put your wrists in the restraints on the headboard. Then I’m going to undress and you’re going to watch. Once I’m done, I’m going to touch you. I’m going to use my hands and my mouth. You will not come until I tell you to. When I want to, I’m going to come on you while you’re tied to my bed. After we’re done, you’re going to let my come dry on your skin. You won’t wash it off until morning. You okay with that plan?”

John nods, then remembers Peter likes to hear him, “Yes,” he says softly. 

“Good. Call me ‘sir’. I’ll let it slide for now, but you’ll need to learn.” 

“Yes sir,” John says seriously. He wants more than anything to be good for Peter. He feels like he’s entered another world and doing what Peter wants is all that matters. 

Peter moves out of his space and takes a few steps back. 

“Stand up,” Peter says. “Take one step forward.”

John stands up and steps forward. He feels a little unsteady, his legs trembling slightly. 

Peter slowly walks in a circle around John, just looking at him. John tries not to fidget in discomfort. He feels like he’s being sized up, judged. It’s not a great feeling. 

Peter stops his circuit and stands in front of John. He slowly starts unbuttoning John’s shirt, starting at the top and slowly working his way to the bottom button. When he’s done, he runs his hands over John’s chest and then pushes the shirt off of him, letting it fall to the floor. John shivers slightly as the cool air hits his skin. 

Peter runs one hand slowly down John’s chest until he reaches his waist. He unbuttons his fly and eases down the zipper. He pushes down John’s pants and boxers together, letting them fall and bunch up between John’s ankles. 

“Step out of them,” Peter says. He backs up of few paces to give John room. 

John steps out of his pants a bit awkwardly and stands there. He feels a blush start to form on his cheeks. Peter’s continuing to stare at him, his gaze traveling up and down. John thinks maybe he should start putting more effort into working out. He’s pretty trim, but not exactly fit and he’s starting to feel a bit inadequate in front of Peter, who is built like an athlete. 

“God you’re beautiful,” Peter says. He grabs John and pulls him into a fierce kiss. John feels himself melt into it. He’s never felt a kiss consume him so completely like this. It’s intoxicating. 

Peter ends the kiss and steps back. 

“Lie on the bed.”

John walks towards the bed and climbs on. He lies on his back and waits. 

Peter walks over. He runs his hands over John’s chest, brushing his nipples and making John gasp. He takes his right arm and lifts it towards the headboard, placing his wrist in the restraint. He then does the same with the left. When he’s done, he takes a step back and looks John over. 

John is hard as as a rock. He doesn’t know when he got hard. It may have been when Peter started to undress him. Or when he was talking to him in that low growl. Or it may have been the moment he walked in the room. 

“You look good like that. Tied to my bed. All spread out for me.” 

Peter unbuttons his shirt and takes it off. John is transfixed. He has been dying to see Peter naked. He watches as Peter unbuttons his fly and lowers the zipper. He slips out of his pants and is left clad only in his boxers. John whimpers. He can see the outline of Peter’s dick in the fabric.

Peter climbs onto the bed and pushes John’s legs apart and kneels between them. He runs his hands up and down his legs. 

“I’m going to lick your cock now and you’re going to stay still for me, got it?” 

“Yes sir,” John says. 

“Good boy.”

Peter leans down and licks a slow strip up John’s cock. John whines. It feels like he’s burning up. Peter licks again, just as slow. He continues slow, languished licking, making John whine and twitch with the desire to just shove his cock into that mouth. 

Finally, Peter wraps his lips around John’s cock and sucks softly. It’s still slow, still gentle. John’s having a hard time holding back. He pulls against the restraints, feeling the fabric cut into his wrists. He wants to grab Peter’s head and thrust. He wants to touch him. He wants to come. 

Peter pulls off and leans back on his heels. He reaches down and rubs himself through his boxers. 

“You’re doing so well, John,” Peter says as he continues to rub his cock. “You’re being so good for me. You want to see my cock now?” 

“Yes sir,” John says immediately. 

Peter gets off the bed and hooks his fingers into his waistband. He slowly pulls down his boxers and his cock springs out. John watches hungrily. It’s perfect. It’s better than he thought. He wants to touch so bad his body is thrumming with it.

Peter climbs back onto the bed and kneels between John’s legs. He starts stroking himself slowly, staring right at John as he does. 

“You’re mine,” Peter says. “Say it.”

“I’m yours,” John says, breathing heavily. 

Peter reaches down and pinches John’s left nipple hard. He twists it between his fingers and John moans, long and loud. 

“That’s it, let me hear you,” Peter says. He does the same with the right nipple and leaves both of them hard and red when he’s done. 

He runs a finger along John’s shaft and then grips it hard and tight. He starts to stroke him in a brutal pace. 

John whines. “Sir...I...I can’t, please.”

Peter continues to stroke him. “Don’t you dare come.”

John forces himself to hold back. He needs to do as he’s told. It feels like it won’t ever end and then suddenly Peter releases him. 

John opens his eyes. He’s not even sure when he closed them. He sees Peter above him, furiously stroking his cock. It’s a gorgeous sight and he can’t look away. Peter looks him right in the eye and comes all over his chest, come landing on his skin and a drop even hitting him on the check. It feels like a baptism. John feels reborn. 

When Peter is done he abruptly takes John into his mouth. He sucks until John feels like he’s going to explode and then pulls off. 

“You can come in my mouth,” he says and then takes John deep. That’s all John needs. He comes immediately, emptying himself into Peter’s mouth. 

Peter sits back and looks down at John. 

“You were so good.” He smiles. “I’m going to get cleaned up. You okay?”

John nods. “Yea, I’m okay.” And he is. He feels sated and sleepy. 

Peter walks off to the bathroom, leaving John tied to the bed. John closes his eyes and feels himself drift. He hasn’t felt this relaxed in a long time. He feels the bed dip and opens his eyes to see Peter sitting next to him. 

“I’m going to undo the restraints,” he says. He reaches up and releases the restraints. He rubs John’s wrists softly and checks to make sure there are no abrasions. John lets himself be handled without complaint. 

“You feel okay?” Peter asks. 

 

“Yea, I feel great,” John says, smiling. 

“Good. You can stay here if you want,” Peter offers. 

“No, I should go home. I have to work tomorrow.”

John sits up and looks down at himself. There is come all over his chest and he can feel it starting to dry on his skin. 

“When can I wash it off?” he asks. 

“In the morning.”

John nods. “Okay.” It feels right, leaving covered in Peter’s come. He feels marked and he loves it. 

“That was…” John trails off, not knowing quite what to say. 

“You’re a natural,” Peter says, smiling. 

John laughs. “I didn’t really do anything, but if you think so.”

“I do.”

John gets dressed and Peter watches him. It feels comfortable, more comfortable than John would have thought. When they get to the door Peter kisses him goodnight, like it’s the end of a date. It makes John feel like he’s glowing. 

“Have a good night John,” Peter says. 

\-----

John feels more settled than he has in a long time. He works three days in a row and he feels like he’s hitting a stride. He’s finding a bit more confidence even if he is still bowing to Mark and Kerry. He’s also gone to Peter’s twice since the first time. Each time Peter tied him up and came on him. He wants to ask if they will do more soon, but he knows it’s not his place and he has a feeling that Peter’s testing him out, seeing how he responds. He’s more than happy to play along. 

He arrives at Peter’s apartment and knocks on the door. Peter opens it, smiling and pulling him into the apartment. He drags him in for a slow kiss, his tongue mapping John’s mouth hungrily. 

When he pulls away, Peter’s still smiling broadly. “I thought we’d try something new. I think you’re ready.”

John blinks and smiles back. “Sounds good to me.”

Peter walks towards the couch and sits down. He settles himself with his legs spread out and his arms draped over the back of the couch. 

“Take off your jacket, shoes, and socks and then come over here.”

John does as he’s told. 

“Kneel down and lie over my knees,” Peter says in a husky voice. 

John feels his pulse quicken. He thinks he knows where this is going and he wants it so bad he feels like he’s vibrating. 

He kneels and lies over Peter’s knees. It’s a bit awkward and he has to steady himself a bit by gripping Peter’s leg. 

“Undo your pants and lower them down to your knees so I can see your ass.”

John fiddles with his fly and gets his pants down, exposing his ass to Peter’s gaze. 

“That’s good John. Now, I’m going to spank you with my hand. I’m going to spank you 10 times and you’re going to count it out after each one. Got it.”

“Yes sir.”

The first slap comes suddenly and swiftly. It surprises John and he yelps from both the pain and the sound of it. He’s so startled that he forgets to count. 

“Count John.”

“Sorry...one.”

Peter doesn’t give him time to relax, he brings his hand down again, harder this time. It stings and makes John’s ass burn. 

“Two.”

Three and four come in quick succession, John calling out the numbers loudly. He’s hard. He finds himself thrusting down, trying to get some friction against his cock. 

“Stop that,” Peter says, grabbing John’s ass in a brutal hold that feels like it will leave finger shaped bruises. John stills his movements. 

Peter brings his hand down again, directly over the last slap. It’s starting to hurt more than John anticipated. It’s still bearable, but veering towards too much. 

“Five,” he says, his voice strained. 

“Good. You’re doing so well. You should see your ass, all bright and red.”

He gives John two more quick slaps and John calls out the numbers. The position is starting to make his back ache and he’s starting to worry he’ll have to call a stop to it. He doesn’t want to. He wants to be good at this. He needs to be good at this. He breathes deeply and tries to take his mind away from the pain in his back. 

Peter slaps him hard, almost causing him to slip from his lap. 

“Eight,” he says. 

Peter rubs his ass, squeezing his cheeks a bit. He gives another brutal slap. 

“Nine,” he whispers, barely getting it out. 

“Just one more, you’re doing so well baby,” Peter says. 

He brings his hand down one final time and John whimpers out, “Ten.”

Peter is rubbing John’s ass softly, saying gentle words of praise. John realizes that at some point towards the end he started crying. He doesn’t know if it was from the pain in his back, the pain of his ass, or something else entirely. It’s a horrifying realization and he tries to bring his hands up to wipe his face before Peter notices, but Peter stops him. 

“Pull up your pants and sit down next to me.”

John does and settles on the couch, only letting out a slight hiss when his ass hits the cushion. He keeps his head down. 

“Are you okay?” Peter asks. 

John clears his throat. “I’m fine,” he says, trying to keep his voice steady. 

“John, look at me,” Peter says. 

John hesitates, but then looks over at Peter. He still has tears on his face, though he’s stopped crying. He must look a mess. 

“I’m sorry. I’m fine, really. I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m fine. It was...I liked it.”

“You don’t have to apologize. This happens sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with it. These kinds of things just bring out emotions,” Peter says. 

John nods. That seems reasonable, but he can’t shake the feeling that he failed some kind of test. He’s a mess. He knows that. He was just hoping Peter wouldn’t see it. 

“Do you want to stop? We can just have dinner if you’d like.”

“Was there something else you had planned?” John asks. 

“Yea, I had something else planned, but we can stop.”

“No, I want to keep going,” John says firmly. 

“John, you don’t have to prove anything to me, that’s not what this is about.”

“I’m not trying to prove anything. I just want to keep going. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Peter says, doubt in his tone. “We’ll keep going, but if you need to stop, use your safeword. Got it?”

“Sure,” John says immediately. 

Peter sighs. “John, if I don’t trust you to know your limits this will never work. If you can’t be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself.”

“I said I would and I will, okay,” John says sternly. 

Peter nods, but doesn’t look convinced. 

“Let’s go to the bedroom,” Peter says. 

They walk to the bedroom together. Peter undresses John slowly, taking his time and kissing skin as it’s exposed. After he settles John on the bed, he takes off his own clothes quickly. He grabs something from the nightstand and then pushes John’s legs apart and kneels between them. 

“I thought we’d start with some fingers tonight, get you used to having something in your ass,” Peter says. “That okay?”

John hesitates, he sees that Peter has a bottle of lube in his hand. He knew this would come up at some point, but now that it’s here, he’s a little nervous. He’s never done anything like this before and he’s not sure if he’ll like it. 

“Yea, that’s okay,” John says. 

Peter stares at him for a few moments, seemingly searching his face to determine if he’s okay to move forward. He must find something because his opens the cap of the lube and pours some in his hand. 

“Just relax. I’ll make sure it feels good,” Peter says. 

John tries to relax. He stares at the ceiling and waits for it to start. He suddenly feels warm lips wrap around his cock and the contact brings a startled gasp. He’s hardening in Peter’s mouth. Peter works his shaft slowly, letting his lips glide up and down. John loses himself in the sensation. He feels Peter’s fingers nudging behind his balls. He knows what’s coming, but is so turned on that he finds that he wants to know what those fingers will feel like. 

One lubed finger enters him slowly while Peter continues to lick his cock. It’s a weird sensation, not unpleasant, but not yet pleasurable. It burns only slightly. 

Peter pulls off of his cock and leans back on his heels. 

“Lift your knees and open your legs wider baby,” Peter says. 

John does as he’s told, exposing himself more to Peter’s gaze. 

“Good. I’m going to add another finger, okay.”

John nods. He feels the second finger start to enter and it stretches him even more. Peter scissors his fingers slightly, pulling the skin of John’s hole and making him gasp. Peter continues to pump his fingers in and out slowly. John’s starting to get used to the feeling and feels himself start to push into his fingers when suddenly pleasure spikes up his spine. He gasps and moans. 

Peter laughs and continues to stroke John’s prostate directly. “You like that? Look at you, spread out on my fingers. You look so good like this baby, so good for me.”

John moans loudly and pushes back against Peter’s fingers. He feels suddenly wanton and filthy. It’s unlike anything he’s ever felt during sex and he wants more. 

“Please sir, please...another finger. I want it.”

Peter growls and pulls his fingers out. He adds more lube and slowly fills John with three fingers. He finds his prostate immediately and teases it relentlessly. 

John moans loudly. “That’s a good boy,” Peter says, “Fuck yourself on my fingers.”

John pushes down on the fingers, feeling like he’s out of his mind. He moans and thrashes, unable to control himself and wants to come so badly he can barely stand it. 

“Please,” John cries, “Please.”

Peter leans down and grabs John cock. “Come for me baby,” he says. 

John spurts immediately at the words, come spraying over Peter’s hand and his belly. Peter continues to work his fingers in and out of John. When John comes down from his orgasm, Peter continues to stroke his hole while he takes his own cock in hand. He pumps himself quickly, watching his fingers vanish into John. He only lasts a little while longer before coming all over John’s chest. 

When he’s done, he removes his fingers from John, who makes a slight whine at the loss. Peter lies next to John, pulling him into a hug. John is trembling, his breathing coming quickly. 

“You doing okay?” Peter asks. 

John nods, unable to find words. He doesn’t know why he’s shaking. He feels like he lost himself there for a few moments and now that he’s come down from it, everything feels a bit too harsh. 

“John, talk to me,” Peter says. 

“I’m okay, just a little shaky. It was intense.”

“It can be like that. It will pass. I’ll go get a washcloth to clean you and then we’ll lie under the covers to warm up.”

Peter walks away and comes back quickly with a washcloth. He wipes John down slowly and John feels himself relaxing into it. He’s breathing is evening out and he loses track of time for a moment when he feels the covers sliding over him. 

“Thanks,” he whispers to Peter. 

Peter chuckles. “You’re welcome. Get some sleep.”

They drift off side by side and John finds sleep without dreams.


	6. Chapter 6

John is seething. He can’t believe that Peter would undermine him like that, in front of a med student no less. His patient needed medical treatment, it was obvious. He hadn’t even called for a surgical consult. Peter had just been in the ER after a trauma and had swooped in on his patient. John had yelled at Peter as he’d loaded the patient into the elevator to go up to the ER. There were residents nearby that saw the argument and John yelling. By the look on Peter’s face John was pretty sure that he’d pay for this later. But, he didn’t care. He was finally feeling somewhat back to normal at work and Peter had to go and make him look like a third year medical student. 

He still has a few more hours on his shift. In between treating patients, he has mental arguments with Peter and gets himself increasingly more worked up. By the time he’s getting his things from his locker to leave, he feels keyed up and ready for a fight. He’s pretty sure that Peter is off later tonight, so he makes the rash decision to just go to his apartment. 

When he gets to Peter’s building, he gets someone to buzz him up. He gets to Peter’s apartment, but he’s not there, so he sits and waits by the door. Two hours later he hears keys jingling and looks up to see Peter standing in the hallway, just staring at him. 

“What are you doing here Carter?” Peter says. 

“I think we need to talk,” John says. 

“We don’t need to talk. You need to go home and calm down,” Peter says. 

“How’s the patient?”

“Good, seems she needed surgery after all,” Peter says. 

John nods. “You shouldn’t talk to me like that in front of med students.”

“Yea, well, you shouldn’t be so stubborn and realize that sometimes you’re wrong,” Peter says. 

“Whatever,” John says, “Just don’t do it again.”

“Jesus, Carter, you need to grow up. If you can’t handle a consult from another doctor, then maybe you shouldn’t be in the ER.”

“I can handle you,” John says tersely. 

“Yea, well, it sure doesn’t seem that way. Seems like I hurt your fragile ego.”

Peter pushes John aside and unlocks his apartment door. He walks in, but leaves the door open. John hesitates for a second and then walks inside and shuts the door behind him. 

“This isn’t about my ego. This is about you questioning my treatment plan. I don’t answer to you. You have no right to do that.”

“You’re right, man, you don’t answer to me. But you do answer to your patients. And you need to do what’s right for them, even if it means letting another doctor take the lead.”

John huffs. He knows Peter’s right, but he’s still pissed. He knows more than anything that this is about Peter hurting his pride. He’d worked so hard to get his confidence up at work and Peter had shattered it, in a way that only he can. It was deflating. He feels ridiculous all of a sudden, camping out at Peter’s home and then yelling at him like he has any right. They’re not even together, not really. So John doesn’t really have the right to barge into his home unannounced. But, he had a bad day, he had lost three patients early in the day. He just wanted to have one save, but then Peter took that from him. But the patient is alive, so he supposes that’s all that matters. It’s just, he has no one else to go to. That’s the real issue. He had a shitty day and the only person in his life is Peter, who is his Dom, not his boyfriend. He has to remind himself of that. He feels pathetic and needy and suddenly wants nothing more than to be out of there, away from Peter’s stern eyes. 

“John…” Peter says. 

John realizes he’s been standing there and not saying anything. 

“I...um...yea, I get that,” John says, “I’m sorry. I’ll just go.”

“Hey, man, stay for dinner,” Peter says. 

“No, that’s okay. I should go.” 

John walks towards the door and then hesitates. 

“Are we okay?” John asks. He facing the door, afraid to look Peter in the eye. Afraid that his little tantrum has made Peter rethink some things. 

John feels a hand on his shoulder. “Are you asking if we’re okay as colleagues or lovers?” Peter asks. 

John laughs and turns to face Peter. “Is that what we are? Lovers.”

“Considering we’ve been having sex for the past month, yea, I’d say we’re lovers.”

John stares at him. “Oh. I didn’t think of it that way I guess. I mean, we haven’t had sex, not really…” John trails off. 

“Anyone ever told you that sex doesn’t have to involve penetration?” 

“Yea, but lovers...that seems so…” John shrugs, but doesn’t elaborate. 

“We’re okay John, as colleagues and as lovers. Now, am I going to have to order you to stay for dinner?”

John shakes his head, “No, I’ll stay.” 

The meal they share is mostly quiet, very little conversation. Mostly Peter talking about his day and John nodding and making a comment here and there. After dinner, they go to the couch and sit with cups of tea. Peter is the first to break the silence. 

“I should apologize. I’ve never done this kind of thing with a friend. I might have tried to separate me as your Dom and me as your friend too much. That’s probably not what you need. I’ve known you long enough to know better. In the month that we’ve been doing this, I’ve haven’t really asked you how you feel or how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine,” John says automatically. 

“Man, you’ve really got to stop it with that line, we both know it’s not true.”

John sighs. “I’m mostly fine, really. Work is better. I feel more confident, closer to what I was like before. Everything else...I don’t know. I stopped seeing my therapist. I’m not going to NA meetings regularly. My probation ended a while back and I didn’t see the point to keep going. What we’re doing is helping I think. I mean, I know I shouldn’t be using it as some kind of alternative to therapy, and I’m not...not really.”

John pauses. He wants to say more, but he’s not sure if he should. He looks over and Peter’s just waiting patiently. He decides to just go for it. 

“The truth is that I haven’t been okay for a long time. The truth is that every morning I wake up and the first thing I think about is getting high. I think about it all day. When I go to bed, I think about it. The only time I don’t think about it is when I’m with you. And that scares me. Because...because one day you’re going to find someone. Someone who you can have a real relationship with. Someone without so much baggage, who isn’t such a mess and isn’t so high maintenance. I’ve seen your type. The type that you’d settle down with, and that’s not me. And when you do find that person, we’re going to go back to just being colleagues and sometimes friends. And I’m not sure how I’m going to handle that.”

“John, I’m not looking for anyone else right now,” Peter says simply. 

“I know that. But, you’ll find someone eventually. I know this isn’t something that will last forever.”

“What about you? What if you find someone?”

John laughs. “You’re the only one crazy enough to take me on right now. And I’m not even remotely interested in anyone but you.” John blushes, realizing that he confessed a little bit more than he meant to. 

“Is that right?” Peter says, smiling. “Then I guess we don’t have a problem then, since we both just want each other.”

John smiles back. “I guess not.” 

John feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest. 

“Why don’t we go to bed. Just to sleep,” Peter says. 

“Okay,” John says and follows him to the bedroom. 

\----

John moans loudly. Peter’s fingers are stretching his hole wide and it’s burning in that wonderful way that is a mix of pleasure and pain. Something he’s grown to love. 

“More,” he demands. 

“You’ll take what I give you,” Peter says. 

John whines, but doesn’t say anything further. He spreads his legs wider, trying to take more of Peter’s fingers in. 

“You like having my fingers in your ass, don’t you John? Look at you, you’re begging for it. How many times have we done this? It’s been three times now. And that time you took that plug up your ass. You’re getting used to being stretched out for me.”

John moans at Peter’s words. It’s true. He loves it. Lately when he comes over he practically begs for it. When Peter put that plug in him and then made him sit down at have dinner, it was exhilarating. He felt like he was high the whole night. 

“I think you’re ready for my dick. What do you think?”

“Yes sir,” John says immediately. He’s been ready for weeks. He thought Peter would never do it. 

Peter laughs. “Good boy. Lift up your hips.”

John does as he’s asked and Peter slides a pillow under his lower back. 

“If it starts hurting, your ass or your back, you call it. You got me?”

“Yes sir,” John says, though he knows he’d have to be in some serious pain to call a stop to this. 

“Lift up your knees and spread your legs.”

John opens himself wide and watches as Peter strokes his cock a few times with lube. Peter then lines up. John feels his dick nudge his ass and tries to will himself to relax. The first push feels impossibly huge, like he’s being split in two. 

“Breathe John,” Peter says. 

John sucks in a breath and tries to bear down. He breathes through it and when he feels Peter bottom out, he gasps. Peter gives him a moment to adjust and then starts a slow, languid pace. John feels it slowly shift from a burn to something else, something close to pleasure. He feels full and owned. It feels amazing. Peter picks up the pace slightly, changes his angle and then he hits it. John feels like his entire body has been shocked. He moans loudly and angles his hips to meet Peter’s thrusts. 

“Good boy John, so good for me. Look at you take my cock.”

John moans at the words. He loves it when Peter talks to him like that. When he tells him how good he is in that low tone with filthy words. It makes him feel like a wanton slut, which is not something he ever thought he would enjoy. But when Peter does it, somehow it feels like praise. 

Peter leans back so he can look at his cock going in and out of John’s ass. He grabs John’s hips for leverage so he can fuck him fast and hard. 

“That’s it baby. Take it. You’re doing so good.”

Peter takes John’s cock in his hand and strokes it. 

“You can come now baby,” Peter says. 

John comes with a shout, spurting over Peter’s hand. 

“Good boy. Now, I’m going to come in you. You ready for that John? You ready to be filled with my come.”

Peter fucks him even harder and John just tries to hold on. He can’t do anything but take it and even though he just came, he feels his dick trying to get hard. It’s amazing. He feels used in the best way possible and he wants nothing more than to feel Peter’s come fill up his ass. 

Peter comes suddenly and quietly, pumping into John’s ass. When he’s done, he slips out of John and then immediately replaces his dick with fingers. He pushes John’s legs apart and gently pushes his fingers into John’s ass, making him whine and squirm. 

“Mmm, look at you all filled with my come. Your hole is all red and puffy from my dick. You look so good like that baby.”

Peter pulls out his fingers and leans back. “Hold your ass cheeks apart. I want to see your ass with my come in it.”

 

John blushes, but does as he’s told. He spreads his cheeks with his hands and holds himself open for Peter’s gaze. He can feel come trickling out of his hole and it makes him shiver. 

“Look at you, dripping with my come. You look so pretty like that John. You’re so good for me,” Peter says. 

Peter gazes for a bit longer and then pulls the pillow from beneath John’s hips and manhandles him until they’re lying side by side. 

“Was that okay?” Peter asks in a whisper. “I didn’t mean for it to get so intense for your first time.”

“It was amazing. Thank you. I love it when you talk to me like that,” John confesses. 

“I noticed,” Peter says, smiling. 

 

\----

“Why are you smiling like that? You get laid or something?” Dave asks. 

John looks over at the other doctor. “What? No. Can’t a guy just smile?”

“Not you,” Dave says, then walks away from the desk. 

John looks after him. He supposes that’s true. He hasn’t been exactly chipper at the hospital. But, things have been better. He’s doing really well, for him at least. He hasn’t been drinking at all. He can go whole days without thinking about getting high. But mostly, him and Peter have been doing really well. They have lunch together. They talk and go on dates. He supposes they could be considered dates at least. He think they may be a couple, which is a weird thing to consider. It’s not like they’re going to suddenly out themselves at the hospital, but they’re intimate in a way they weren’t before. 

And the sex. Well, it’s amazing. He’s had days where he can’t sit down at the hospital, which he should probably find inconvenient. Mostly, though, he finds it incredibly hot. He doesn’t know how Peter knew he’d make a good sub or even want to be a good sub, but he was right. He loves it. He feels more settled in his job, in his life, than he has in a long time. 

Peter walks up to the desk and smiles at him. They’re both off in an hour and have plans that will involve John being bent over Peter’s couch if he plays his cards right.


	7. Chapter 7

Peter is rubbing John’s wrists, helping to get circulation back after he’s had them cuffed behind his back for an hour. They’re lying on the on the couch in robes, relaxed and sated. 

“You’re good at this,” John says. 

“What?”

“Taking care of me.”

“Yea, well somebody has to.”

John smiles. “It’s nice.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying being wrapped around each other. 

“How old were you your first time?” John asks. He’s taken to quizzing Peter about his past after they have sex. He’s just curious and Peter always responds and doesn’t ask for him to reciprocate, so he takes it as permission to ask whatever he wants. 

“Sixteen.”

“Oh, a late bloomer then,” John says jokingly. “That’s surprising.”

Peter laughs. “That’s not so late, pretty average I think. How old were you?” 

“Eleven,” John says. He responds automatically, but the silence from Peter makes him think he should have held his tongue.

“Eleven?” Peter asks. 

“Yea, that’s not that unusual,” John says cautiously. He knows that in fact it is pretty unusual. He didn’t mean to let that slip. It’s just he was so relaxed and Peter doesn’t ask him much about his past. 

“How old was she?” 

John hesitates, “I don’t know, maybe 25. I’m not really sure. She was the maid, so old enough to be employed as a maid I guess.”

“The maid?” Peter says. 

“Yes, the maid,” John says defensively, “It’s not a big deal. Bobby had just died a year earlier. My parents were grieving. She paid attention to me, she liked me. It’s not like I didn’t enjoy it.” John says firmly. It’s something he’s repeated to himself many times. 

“Okay,” Peter says, disbelief in his tone. 

John sits up. “Don’t do that. I don’t know why I even brought this up. It’s not a big deal.”

“Let me ask you this John. If an eleven year old boy came into the hospital and said what you just said to me, what would you do?” 

John sighs, “I’d call DCFS.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” John says. “I mean, I get what you’re saying. But, it’s just something that happened. She got another job after a couple of months and I never saw her again.”

Peter is silent. John knows he probably wants to say more but is holding his tongue. He gets it. He knows if the situation were reversed, he’d be the same way. It makes him want to share more. He’s never talked to anyone about this. Maybe it’s time. He and Peter have a deal about being honest, so maybe he should take this as an opportunity. 

“I never told anyone. I did like it, but I knew enough at the time to know that it wasn’t something I should share. She left and I never mentioned it to anyone. But, she had told someone. There was a new worker, he took care of the horses. They were friendly and apparently she let it slip that I was...agreeable.” John stops. 

“John…” Peter says softly. 

“So, I mean I guess it was a bit of a lie when I said I had never been with a man. But I don’t think that counts. It was just blow jobs.” He looks over at Peter and can tell that Peter is not on board with his interpretation of the situation. 

“What happened to him?” Peter asks quietly. 

“I don’t know. He left a few months later. Those kinds of people, they’re always moving around. He seemed to be a traveler as far as I could tell.”

“And did you like it? WIth him?” Peter asks. 

“It was okay. I just...he payed attention to me, which is all I really wanted at the time. If I had to give him a blow job for his attention,” John shrugs, “It didn’t seem like that much of a trade off.”

“He should be locked up,” Peter says flatly. 

“Yea, I know, I get that now. Looking back, I see that it wasn’t okay. That two adults took advantage of a kid who was grieving and alone. It just didn’t feel that way at the time. It felt like someone wanted me.” 

Peter wraps his arm around him and holds him close. 

“Explains a lot doesn’t it?” John says. 

Peter gives him a look that says he doesn't understand. 

“I mean, the way I am, why I like what we do together.”

“John, don’t ever confuse what we do with what those people did to you. Just because you enjoy being submissive doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you only like it because you were abused as a child.” 

“It wasn’t abuse,” John says reflexively. 

“It was. And you have to accept that. But right now, as an adult, do you want to please me? Do you want my attention?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And do you want that because of what they did to you. Or do you want that because you enjoy it and you want me?”

“I enjoy it and I want you more than anything.”

“See,” Peter says, “It’s not the same. It’s who you are, but that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong or deviant about it, not if it’s consensual.”

John nods. “I get that. I do. I guess I just carried this around for so long. I never talked about it. But I’ve thought about it a lot. I’ve worried that it messed me up in some way that I don’t even realize. I get how fucked up it was now. I can see that now. But my memories don’t feel that way. In my memories it feels like they were lovers.”

Peter pulls him close and holds him. John sighs and relaxes into the hold. He knows they’ll probably talk about this again sometime in the future. He can tell that it’s not something that Peter will just let go, especially given the type of relationship they have. Even knowing that, though, he feels a little lighter, like he’s had yet another burden shared. 

\----

They’re at John’s apartment, which is pretty unusual for them. John ordered in and they’re just sitting at the table eating, with no plans for anything else, which is also unusual. Peter has been a bit strange all night, kind of edgy and a bit quiet. John thinks he’s still thinking about the confession he made the other night. Still examining it and trying to figure out how he should react. John has had most of his life to come to terms with it and honestly he doesn’t think about it much anymore. Somehow that became one of the lesser traumas in his life. 

“You going to talk to me tonight, or just stare at your plate with that scowl you get?” John finally asks, tired of the silence. 

Peter looks up, seemingly surprised that he’s being called out. 

“I’m just a bit distracted I guess,” Peter says. 

“Is this about what I told you the other night? Because if it is, you don’t need to worry about it. It’s in the past. I’m over it. Really.”

“Yea, it’s about that. I guess I just have more questions. And I worry about you, man. You’re not exactly the picture of stability. I worry that I might just be making it worse”

John laughs. “Are you kidding? You’re the best thing I have right now.”

“Isn’t that kind of a problem too? I mean, look, you were my student and my friend before you were my lover. I care about you more than just as someone that I can play around with. If this is hurting you in some way, you have to tell me.”

John leans over and grabs Peter’s hand. “This is the best I’ve felt in a long time and that’s because of you. And not just because of the sex, which is amazing, but because you ground me. You always have. This is just a different way of going about it. You shouldn’t worry.”

“Yea, well, you have this ability to make me worry.”

John smiles. “I’m okay, really. But if it will make you feel better, you can ask me anything you want.”

“Okay,” Peter gives him a hesitant smile and sighs, “I guess my first question is...where were your parents? Or anyone. How did this happen to you and no one ever knew?”

John sits back in his chair and stares at his empty plate. He doesn’t talk about this stuff much. Feels too much like complaining and he’s always afraid he’ll come off as some whiny, privileged asshole. It’s why he made a point when he first started at County to not let anyone know about his family. But he has to remind himself that this is different. Peter isn’t judging him, he’s trying to help. 

“They weren’t around, or at least mom wasn’t at first. After Bobby died she started traveling and just never stopped. And dad...he was there, but not really. He started drinking. He was drunk most of the time and didn’t really notice me, or anything else. When he did...well…,” John trails off. He sighs and rubs his eyes. 

“Well, you can probably guess. I had more broken ribs than I could count that first year. Then eventually he left to be somewhere else with mom and they shipped me off to boarding school. That was it.”

Peter’s quiet for several moments. “Your teachers, doctors, no one reported any of this?”

“Are you kidding? Wealth gets you a lot of things, but one of the most useful things is silence. No one would have dared say anything. The teachers, the doctors, they were all in the family’s pocket.”

“What about your grandparents?”

“They didn’t know. Mom and Gamma had a failing out after Bobby died, they just weren’t around much for the first few years after.”

“I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry John,” Peter says. 

“Don’t feel sorry for me. I turned out okay considering,” John says. 

“Yea, I guess you did.”

“I get why you care about this, but can we maybe not talk about it anymore tonight?” John asks. 

“Yea, sure man.”

“Good, because I was hoping to get laid tonight and this conversation isn’t really great foreplay,” John jokes. 

“What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, do I get to pick this time?” John asks. 

“Sure, whatever you want,” Peter says, smiling. 

“Okay, follow me.”

John grabs Peter’s hand and leads him to the couch. He pushes Peter down to the couch and then kneels in front of him. He’s given Peter a few blow jobs since they’ve been together, but he has something else in mind this time. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about having your cock in my mouth all day.”

“Is that so?”

“Yea, and I was thinking, you know, if you want to, you could fuck my mouth,” John says coyly, “But only if you’re up for it,” he adds, smirking. 

“Put your hands behind your back and keep them there,” Peter orders. 

John does as he’s told and waits. Peter unzips and takes his cock out and strokes it a few time, watching John’s face as he does. Then he grabs John by the back of the head and pulls him forward. 

“Open your mouth.”

John opens and Peter glides his dick in, not stopping until he hits the back of John’s throat. 

“You need me to stop, tap me on the ankle.”

Then he starts. He thrusts into John’s mouth forcefully, making John gag slightly and scramble to take a breathe. Peter doesn’t stop, just keeps up relentless thrusts. John relaxes his throat and tries to take it. He opens wide and feels spit dripping down his chin. 

“That’s it. Open wide. Fuck John, you look so good like this.”

John hums and Peter starts to slow his pace. He pulls out slowly and then thrusts hard into John’s mouth, forcing him to take all of his cock. He continues this, slow and brutal. Then he stops, buried to the hilt his John’s throat and John feels dizzy with the lack of air. Just when he thinks he might have to actually call it, Peter pulls out and John gasps in a lungful of air. 

“Come on baby, I know you can take it,” Peter growls. 

He thrusts back in and starts to fuck John’s mouth hard and fast. 

“That’s it, John. That’s so good. I’m gonna come in your mouth now baby. You ready? You ready to swallow my come.”

John can’t answer, tries to nod, but can’t really do anything other than keep his mouth open wide and take Peter’s cock. Peter thrusts several more times before his stills and spurts down John’s throat. John struggles to swallow it, some of it dripping out of his mouth. 

Peter pulls John up to sit on his lap and kisses him. John shudders. He’s so hard and wants nothing more than to come. 

“You want to come baby?”

“Yes sir, please.”

“Take it out.”

John reaches down and unzips his pants. He takes his cock out and then waits. Peter hasn’t told him what to do next. 

“Good boy. Now touch yourself and make yourself come for me. I want to watch you.”

John moans and grabs his dick. It doesn’t take long. He strokes himself quickly, leaning back as Peter supports him with his hands. He strokes only a few times and then comes. 

“God John, I’ll never get tired of watching you.”

“Good,” John says, smiling and then leans down to kiss him.


	8. Chapter 8

They’re having a fight. It’s not like they haven’t fought before. It’s them, of course they fight. They fought before they were together. But, this one feels different. John isn’t sure why. It’s about a patient. John asked for a consult. Peter came down and said it wasn’t a surgery case, too risky, John disagreed. He called in the head of surgery, not telling him that Peter had already consulted. John convinced him to do the surgery. The patient didn’t make it through the surgery. 

They’re standing in Peter’s kitchen and Peter has been yelling for at least a minute straight. 

“You’re not a student anymore. You can’t pull these stunts. In case you haven’t realized, people die when you let your ego trump patient care.” Peter states. 

“This isn’t about my ego. I thought I was doing right by the patient. I wouldn’t have a patient go into surgery just to prove a point. How can you even think that of me?”

“I don’t know John, sometimes you get so single minded, I think you forget about the people you are trying to help. That woman didn’t have to die today.”

“Don’t you think I know that! I know that! What do you want from me? Yea, I killed her, thanks for pointing that out. You want to yell at me some more? Maybe that will help. Or maybe you just want to beat my ass until I shut up. That’s what you’re good at, isn’t it? That’s all you want from me right, my obedience,” John yells. 

As soon as it’s left his mouth, John knows it was the wrong thing to say. Peter’s never used John’s inclination towards submissiveness against him. Never implied that it was a character flaw or used it as ammunition when he was pissed. 

“I’m sorry,” John says quietly. “I didn’t mean that. I’m just upset. I’m sorry...sir.” John is a little unsure if he’s talking to Peter or his Dom at that moment. 

“Go in the bedroom and takes off your clothes. Lie face down and put your wrists in the restraints.” 

John just stands there. He can tell Peter is still angry. They’ve never done this while one of them was angry. He’s not sure they should. He thinks about calling it, but he looks at Peter and thinks maybe he deserves whatever is coming. So, he does as he’s told. 

He lies there naked, with his wrists tethered to the headboard, for what feels like forever. He wonders if Peter’s trying to cool down or if he’s doing it on purpose to make John squirm. 

He hears Peter walk in. Before he can turn to look, he feels Peter straddle the back of his thighs. He’s naked. He’s also got the riding crop. He can feel Peter rubbing it on his ass and along his crack. It makes him shiver. 

He brings it down hard and swift on his ass. It stings and John lets out a cry. Peter brings it down several more times, quickly and hard, not letting John catch his breath between strikes. John feels tears start to trail down his face. It hurts and not in a good way. He’s starting to feel his back start to seize up. Peter’s usually pretty good about sensing when John’s in pain and backing off. That doesn’t seem to be the case this time. He just keeps letting the crop fall, striking his ass and thighs. They must be bright red by now. 

Peter stops suddenly and pushes John’s legs apart and up, forcing him to get onto his knees. The position makes his ass stick out and causes his back to throb. He gasps in pain. 

Peter doesn’t seem to notice, or he doesn’t care, it’s hard to tell which. He reaches for lube and slides his fingers into John abruptly, not giving him time to adjust to the intrusion. 

“You need to slow down?” Peter asks. 

It’s the first words he’s spoken since they started and John feels a rush of relief. He breathes deeply and tires to will away the pain. 

“Yea, I just, my back,” he whispers. He doesn’t want to stop, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to continue like this. 

“You want to lie on your back instead?” Peter asks. 

John nods. Peter flips him over. His arms twist uncomfortably in the restraints, but he doesn’t care. Peter pushes a pillow under his hips. 

“Is that better?” Peter asks. 

“Yea,” John says, and it is, the pain is starting to bleed away. 

Peter nods and then spreads John’s legs apart and lines up his cock. He pushes in slowly and John gasps. 

“Touch me, please sir,” John says, needing the contact. 

Peter grabs his cock and strokes him back to hardness. He thrusts in slowly, but brutally, knocking John’s head against the headboard. It’s rough and almost too much, but John finds himself moaning and pushing back into it. It’s probably the most brutal Peter has ever been with him. He feels owned. He feels himself slipping away, like he’s floating. 

“Come on baby, come for me,” Peter says, stroking John’s cock roughly. 

John hears him, but it’s like he’s far away. His body responds, though, and he comes violently. It pulses through him in waves. He feels like he’s drifting away. He can feel Peter continuing to fuck him, but it feels distant. Peter stills and John can feel him empty himself into his ass. It feels like he took fentanyl, morphine, and vicodin. It’s the best high he’s ever felt. 

“John,” Peter says. 

John opens his eyes. He’s not sure when he closed them. He sees Peter hovering over him. He seems concerned. 

“Hi,” he says, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, you’re okay now. I think you just went a little deep.” 

“Oh,” John says. 

He watches as Peter stands up and goes to the bathroom. He comes back and gets into bed. 

“You want to say here tonight?” he asks John. 

John feels like his head is spinning. He doesn’t answer. 

“I have a shift at 6am and need to get some rest. So, unless you have a shift, you might want to stay at yours tonight.” 

John feels like his world has slipped sideways. 

“Yea, okay, I’ll just leave then,” John says. 

Peter hums an acknowledgement. Without any other response, John starts to gather his things. He dresses slowly, carefully, and then leaves the apartment. For some reason it feels like goodbye. 

\----

The next day John is working up a patient that has pretty clear signs of appendicitis. He needs a surgery consult. He knows that Peter is on. He calls for a consult. He has to. 

Peter comes down and nods at John, asks for a history. John gives it. Peter feels the belly, declares it a hot appy and carefully avoids John’s eyes. John feels like he’s drowning.

There’s a med student standing with them, watching intently. Haleh is changing the patient’s IV and the patient is listening intently to Peter explain the surgery. John feels his hands trembling. He feels like if he doesn’t do something now, if he doesn’t stop it, then it will all stop. Or worse, it will continue on like last night and like today, with Peter talking to him in that cool voice. He was wrong. He knows he was wrong, but he needs this to stop. It was the one thing that he told Peter he couldn’t handle. And he can’t. He can’t handle it. 

John glances over at Haleh. She’s wearing a red sweater over her scrubs. He sees it and realizes that he’s found his limit. He’s reached it and he knows it. He needs it to stop. 

“That’s a nice sweater, Haleh,” John says. 

Haleh looks at him oddly. “Thanks,” she says. 

“It’s a nice color, sort of scarlet, right?” John says, carefully not looking at Peter. 

Haleh stares at him like he’s grown a second head. “Yea,” she says. “You need anything else?”

“No, Jackie can help you take Mr. Tomlin upstairs,” John says, gesturing to the med student. Jackie nods and they wheel the patient away. 

John stands there, waiting for Peter to respond. 

“Follow me,” Peter says and walks away. 

John follows him. He has no choice. Peter walks into an empty exam room at the end of the hall and John follows him in. 

Peter closes the blinds on the door and leans against the door, crossing his arms. He doesn’t look amused. 

“Did you just safeword in the hospital. In front of a patient,” Peter says blankly. 

John sees the look on his face and crumbles. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can fix this. Just tell me what to do to be better. I can be better, I promise. I just...please, sir, just let me make it up to you. I can be good for you. Whatever you want. Please, just...anything at all. I...just, please Peter,” John pleads, his voice wavering and his whole body trembling. He stands there and feels tears start to fall down his face. He’s breaking. He can see the next moments unfolding in front of him. Peter admonishing him for being a child, for being so needy and immature, then leaving him. Then he’ll have to go back to how he was before, when he was alone and an addict. 

Peter steps forward and places his hands on John’s face. 

“John, just calm down. Tell me what’s wrong.”

John stares at him and tries to gather his thoughts. 

“I just...you didn’t check on me, after we had sex, last night. You always check on me and you take care of me. You didn’t do that last night. If you just tell me what I did wrong, I won’t do it again. I promise.” John stops, taking a breath. “I told you when we started this, I can’t take you going cold on me. I can take whatever it is you want me to, but not that. Just...not that.”

Peter sighs. “God, John, I’m sorry. I was angry and I took it out of you. I shouldn’t have done that. I know your limits and I ignored them. I’m sorry. It was petty. You seem to bring that out in me,” Peter says, smiling lightly. 

John stares into his eyes and sees that he’s telling the truth. Sees that they’re both being idiots in a way that only the two of them can. He knew when they started this that it would be hard, that it would be challenging given their history. 

“We both fucked up pretty majorly. I’m sorry too,” John says. 

“Let me make it up to you,” Peter says. 

“What did you have in mind?”

“You, me, dinner. Then I was thinking I’d suck your cock until you scream. Does that sounds okay?”

John smiles, feeling a bit lighter. “Yea, that sounds like a good plan.”

Peter leans in and kisses him softly. When he pulls away, he’s smiling. John know that this won’t be the end of the conversation, that they probably need to discuss this further. But for now, it’s enough. It’s enough to know that Peter still wants him and isn’t just tossing him aside. They walk out of the exam room. Peter goes to the elevator and John goes back to the desk. He finds himself smiling. 

“You seem like you’re in a good mood,” Haleh says. 

“Yea,” John says, “I am.”


End file.
